Single: A complete person, separate and distinct, with the ability to function without a mate.
I’m a bit too old to go to the mall, sit on your lap, and tell you what I want for Christmas so I’m writing you this letter. Don’t worry, I’m not going to ask for an iPod, tablet, new car, or something else I could afford to get myself. I need something a bit more complicated. I want you to change the perception of being single. That is something that myself and thousands of other singles could use. Especially, around the holidays.
I’d like to meet a man and not have him ask me, “Sooo, why are you single,” as if I’m hiding some deep dark secret. I would most certainly like to go to a family function and not have someone think they need to pity me because I showed up alone. I’d like to not pay more in taxes because I don’t have a spouse or any dependents. Okay, scratch that, even I know that the IRS is beyond your jurisdiction.
However, for some reason if you are over the age of 25 society believes you should be married. God forbid if you’re over 35. All of sudden you will find yourself thrust into the abominable sisterhood of old maid, spinster, or the cat lady. Not to mention the plethora of people who will try to diagnose your problem and ask probing questions to determine if you are mentally ill, have unresolved daddy issues from childhood, or a bitch just because no one has wifed you up. I don’t want to be asked again if I’ve ever been close to getting married or if I’ve ever been engaged. Surely, someone must have wanted me in years past, right? Before I got over the hill, my boobs started sagging, and I needed dentures. (Btw, I’m only 37) I don’t want to see any more studies about how it’s so hard for black women to find a man.
In the Bible, James says that it is good to be single but I’m not sure anyone believes him. Regrettably, it would seem that it is better to be unhappily married to an adulterer, liar, or trifling bastard than to be single and fabulous. I know several people who are married and miserable. Why should I join those ranks? Oh yeah, so I can get a break on my taxes, a gift on Valentine’s Day, and our anniversary! No, thanks. And no, I’m not against marriage. Marriage can be bliss when you are with the right person. But I’ve finally reached a point in my maturity where I’m okay with not having a ring on my finger. It would be nice if the rest of the world was too. I want people to congratulate me when I inform them that I’m single and having a ball in my singleness. I don’t consider it a bad thing if I want to go out and I don’t need to call and see if my hubby has plans for us that night. If I want chicken for dinner, I don’t have to see if he wants that too. My house is the way I left it when I get home and my money stays in my account until I get ready to spend it. But once again, don’t misunderstand me, I’ll gladly change that for the right man.
I recognize that people who love me only want the best for me but being married for the sake of being married isn’t best for me or the poor man whose blood pressure I would make shoot through the roof. Let them know that I will get married when the right man comes along and until then LEAVE ME ALONE!
So, I ask you to grant me this simple Christmas wish and if you can’t do it for the entire year at least do it from now until February 16th. I added a couple of days for those who like to flaunt their Valentine’s Day gifts in front of others and say stupid crap like Happy Singles Awareness Day!
Oh and one more thing. I also want permission to slap the taste of the mouth of the next person who asks, “Why you ain’t got no man?” without fear of going to jail. Do you think you can hook that up, Santa? I would be eternally grateful. I’ll leave extra cookies out for you.